Racial Talks

In your experience have you ever thought being a woman put you at a disadvantage?

That wasn't the exact wording of my question but it was close.  My mom and I were working on a puzzle this afternoon while my dad was making dinner.  My mom talks before thinking as a general rule and this was no exception. "No, no I never felt like there was anything I wanted that I couldn't get or go after because I was a woman.  I really wanted to be a flight attendant." This flight attendant dream is true, she has mentioned this before.  Back in the day they had specific height, age, and weight requirements for stewardesses-all of which my mom met-but during her final interview my dad had been spotted waiting for her in the lobby and the interviewer asked her who he was. 

"My boyfriend," she said. She was excused.  

I'm floored by all the injustice teeming out of every corner of this story but my mom never sees it that way.  She just says "they didn't want the girls to be attached".  

Anyway, she didn't bring any of that up this time.  She was telling me it to say she never wanted a traditional man's job anyway.  She stopped to think for a minute. Then she said "the only time I felt like something wasn't fair for me was working at the gas company as a clerk".  She and a black woman, 'Gerry' were coworkers at the gas station and were going to night school together to become an accountant assistant (an upward movement within the company).  Their tuition was being subsidized by their company. My mom says all of a sudden Gerry stopped working and went to school full time - all of which was paid for by the company because they needed a black person in management due to affirmative action.  In my moms words "that NAACP!" She says she was happy for Gerry but felt cheated. 

I empathized with her, I had never heard this story.  I think it was a good dialogue move to let her know that would be hard and that it wasn't fair.  I asked her if she thought there was a reason for affirmative action and I brought up the resume experiments (sending out identical resumes with a black name vs. a white name).  

      

One of the most difficult parts of conversations I've had with my parents about race has been bringing the reality of sexism and racism to light.  They just do not see examples of it and given they are indoctrinated by Fox News so they don't hear about it either.  Their formal educations ended in the 70s, and for whatever reason they seem to think all racial injustice ended after the civil rights movement.  I also wonder if they were growing up within families that didn't believe in the civil rights movement!  It's never occurred to me that anyone could be against the civil rights movement...it just strikes me as absurd; insane even.  But I'm telling you-neither of my parents even KNEW about Trayvon Martin or any of the police shootings of unarmed black men in 2016.  They literally hadn't heard about it.   Now I know what it's like to live under a rock.  Just a couple weeks ago I found out there was someone named Harvey Milk and what he did.  Yep I know almost nothing about the gay rights movement even though I am gay.   What I struggle with is how to show them the rock on top of them without discounting all their values as republicans.  It's become too divided; if I share something it's immediately going to be considered less because "it's liberal".  I don't know how to dialogue with them without arguing when it comes to issues in America.  

Anyway, back to asking my mom to find the merit in affirmative action.

She seemed generally unsure but not convinced.  She made the argument that it wasn't her that put Gerry's ancestors into slavery and it wasn't Gerry who had been enslaved.  She believes the opportunity is out there.  She started talking about how slaves were treated terribly in the Congo.  This seemed random but I went with it.  "Pretty sure slaves were treated real poorly in America." She somewhat conceded to that fact then said Lincoln offered to send the slaves back to Africa to their families but that they didn't want to go.  This was such a weird thing that I could only say "I really really doubt that." And "a lot of slaves were born in America, what would they have in Africa?"  She said to look it up and I started to when I got a text from a friend about my wallet and that derailed the conversation for now.  

The interest thing about the conversation and the moments after it was the FEELING.  I think I sensed guilt.  The white guilt.  The helpless, uncertain, and defensive guilt you feel when you're pretty sure something is wrong but that you didn't do it and that it will probably feel worse if you have any involvement than if you just keep ignoring the problem.  First off, thank god i did not sense the mindset of any white superiority.  Let's call that a win at least.  Guilt is a healthier response than disinterest or self righteousness, but that kind of guilt is useless because it turns into nebulous shame and that can morph into angry denial.  I can't think of a single good use for guilt over the color of any person's skin.  I think it really hampers our ability to help in racial justice efforts.  It's kind of odd that we feel it at all..I'm white, didn't ask to be, can't do a damn thing about it, and the fact of my physical whiteness is only that - a fact - it doesn't have any moral weight, emotional qualities, or actionable pieces.  I think I've sat with these thoughts long enough that I can talk about racial justice and not feel like I'm a piece of shit for being white.  But I think a lot of white people (like my parents) DO think this at first and are afraid they can't resolve that feeling.  I'm starting to wonder if instead of ranting about racial injustice I may need to shift the way I talk about those who are responsible or benefiting even unintentionally from racism.  I think instead of mentioning white people so much at first, I need to refer to racist people just as "racist people" and those of us with privilege and something less blame-sounding like...well I haven't come up with a new word.  I think that is a better first step.  It may give my folks a way to see the issue outside of themselves.  Once it's not personal, it's a lot easier to move forward and EVENTUALLY look inward to see one's own prejudices.  It's easier to question one's own shortcomings when you're working from a place of empathy or sympathy rather than guilt or shame.

We saw elk and snow today.

We never saw ANY wildlife inside Rocky Mountain National Park but almost immediately after we would leave the park boundaries we saw elk and deer in many people's lawns.  These two are bulls and that one in the back smiling is smelling the air hoping our bright red car is actually a female in heat.  The older one with the antlers seemed annoyed.  They're the size of ponies.

My dad and I in similar hats.  He is a generous and shy man.

My mom killing it with her hair style.  She is an adventurous (she nearly left us for a whole day to go skiing alone, walked way too close to the huge wild elk, and tried to convince me to go zip lining...she 65) and head strong woman.